From Devastation to Hope: JoBeth Polley's Journey Through Grief, Loss & God's Redemption

In this powerful episode of Hope Unlocked, Kristin Kurtz welcomes JoBeth Polley, a grief specialist and courageous young widow, who shares her raw and redemptive journey through infertility, foster adoption, and the heartbreaking loss of her husband to terminal brain cancer. JoBeth reveals how God met her in the darkest places, the tools that helped her heal—including equine therapy, coaching, and ice baths—and her mission to walk other women from devastation to hope. If you're navigating grief, trauma, or life after loss, this episode will speak deeply to your soul.

JoBeth's Contact Info:

Website - nwagriefspecialists.com

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Chapters

• 0:16 Welcome to Hope Unlocked
• 1:14 Meeting Jo Beth: Grief Specialist's Mission
• 3:20 Infertility Journey and Adoption Story
• 9:50 Husband's Brain Cancer Diagnosis
• 17:14 Navigating Terminal Illness as Family
• 30:04 Embracing Grief and Finding Support
• 36:11 Ice Baths and Mental Reset
• 43:26 Supporting Children Through Grief
• 48:24 Words of Encouragement and Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:16

Welcome to the Hope Unlocked Podcast. I'm your host, Kristen Kurtz, and I'm also the founder of New Wings Coaching. I help and empower wildhearted and adventurous women of faith feeling caged and stuck, unlock their true purpose and potential, break free from limitations and thrive with confidence, courage and hope. If you're curious to learn more about coaching with me, head to newwingscoachingnet and be sure to explore the show notes for ways to connect with me further. Get ready to dive in as we uncover empowering keys and insights in this episode. So tune in and let's unlock hope together. Welcome to the Hope Unlocked podcast. I'm Kristen Kurtz, your host. I pray this episode is like a holy IV of hope for your soul. Please help me. Welcome Jo Beth Pauly to the show. I'm very excited to have her here today. We just got to know each other a little bit better before the show got started and I know that she has a testimonial that is going to bring hope to so many today. So, Jo Beth, would you be open to sharing a little bit about yourself before we get started?

Speaker 2: 1:14

Yeah, so I am now a grief specialist, so what I do is I walk women through some really deep, dark times in their life. My goal with each person is to get them from a place where they feel no hope, they see no light, into a place where they can feel okay again. And a lot of times that means healing relationships, their relationship with God, and a lot of times it's just healing from the hurt, from loss, whether that be death or divorce or diagnosis or disaster, whatever it may be just walking them through that time in their life. It can be really devastating to people and there's not a whole lot of places that are scarier to be than a place where there's no hope, and I really enjoy getting to hold people's hands and walking them through that.

Speaker 1: 2:10

That's so beautiful. How long have you been doing this work?

Speaker 2: 2:14

A little over a year.

Speaker 1: 2:15

Oh, it's been a year. Okay, yeah, and what led you into this work? I love that you. I feel like this is a really I don't know many people who do this work to be honest with you outside of. You know, maybe a counselor or a therapist, so maybe tell us, like, what brought you into it?

Speaker 2: 2:40

And then what does a grief specialist kind of mean? Yeah, so I mean I got to take you back to like 2008, when I was graduating high school and I, you know you're supposed to know what you want to do when you're 18, which is crazy. I know it's kind of like who made that up? But I was like I remember driving and I was just like man, I don't, I don't know what I want to do with my life and I was like I know I want to help people. And then my very next thought was you haven't been through anything.

Speaker 2: 3:05

Like you can't help people because you, like, they're going to look at you and be like you haven't even gone through anything. And I was like, ah, good point. Um, so I was like I'll just like, I'll go into teaching, was kind of like I'll go into teaching so that way, like I'm in position to help people, um, and so I went into teaching and my husband and I got married in 2011. And a couple years later, we decided it was time to start a family, and so we were really excited about that. And each month, I just kept getting negative pregnancy tests and like what the heck is happening? Like he's healthy, I'm healthy. Like what's the problem? And months and months went by and finally we were like something's wrong, like something's not exactly like it should be or we would be pregnant already. And so we, um, went to the doctor, found out that we would not be able to have kids. It was like very much a um, a like was not going to be able to happen. And so we did. We went through, like all the infertility treatments that were available in the United States and, um, it was just like it was just one no, after the other, like it didn't work, sorry, it didn't work, sorry, like it didn't work, like over and over again, and we just kind of just, you know, eventually just gave up.

Speaker 2: 4:33

And there was a time when it was really dark and really like just sad, and I went to a silent retreat type place where it was just me and the lady that was kind of there for support and stuff and just stayed there for a day and was praying. And it was just like God, like I don't know, like how come you've given me this desire but you haven't given me a baby? Like that doesn't make sense. And there's really praying that you know, if you don't want me to be a mom, then, like, take the desire from my heart. And so I was just praying and praying, and praying and God spoke to me and said there's a little girl that needs you more than you need to be a mom. And I was like okay, and like in my, in this moment, like I saw a girl that like look like I don't know, she was like maybe two or three and she had like dark hair, and I was like I was like okay, so I just like kind of like dusted my hands off and got up. It's like okay, like this, this. We're not going to adopt a baby and we're not going to excuse me, we're not going to keep trying with the infertility stuff.

Speaker 2: 5:44

And so we made the decision to adopt through foster care and so we started pursuing that and right after we got trained, it came time to you know where we were going to start being able to be matched up with kids, and if you know anything about the foster care system in the United States, there's thousands of kids that are available for adoption and I knew that we was going to get to pick. You know that there might be several kids that came across, you know, came to our house, and that we met up with that. We, we, that we need. We needed to know, like I wanted to know, like, tell me which one's my kids you know? And um, I wanted to know like, tell me which ones my kids you know? And um, one day we found out that a friend of a friend was had just got custody of her grandkids and she was needing help babysitting. And you can't babysit foster kids unless you're a foster parent, trained or like an actual, like daycare, and so we were, um, a very small part of a very small population that could actually give her some respite. And so, um, anyway, so fast forward, she brings the kids over for us to meet them and, um, the little boy walks through the door and, just crystal clear, it was that's your son. And, um, he was not available for adoption, we were just babysitters, that's all we were. And for the next six months we were just babysitters, we just babysat when she needed it.

Speaker 2: 7:14

And then, at that six month mark, it came time for somebody to for you know the, the grandma who had them to make a decision to adopt them or to allow the foster care system to place them. And she was not okay with just letting the foster care system place them, and she asked. She said she really wanted them to have a mom and a dad. And so she asked the adoption specialist if it would be okay if we adopted them, if they could just go to us and not into the system, so that she knew who they were and that they were with people that loved them and everything. And they, uh, dhs, agreed to it and they were placed with us the next day. And, um, six months after that, uh, they were adopted and they were permanently a part of our family. And so, um, we were like uh, like I would just say a complete family, like a very solid, like things felt very stable. They felt very secure.

Speaker 2: 8:09

About the time of adoption, we bought a cattle farm here in Arkansas. It was our dream to have a farm and raise our kids on the farm. And bought the farm and my husband started building our house. And about that time I started noticing like my husband started building our house and about that time I started noticing like my husband was acting different and I didn't really know why he was acting different. It's very odd. He was not being very nice and I was like golly.

Speaker 2: 8:38

I remember in January I was standing in my office here with my best friend and I was like I don't know how long I can do this, like this is getting really bad. And because there's just like a personality change, I was like I just pretty like just so terrible, sudden kind of um, over the course of months maybe. And, um, then one day he started getting he had a really bad headache and couldn't get out of bed and, um, at first I was like oh, it's COVID. So I went to the pharmacy and I was like I need something. He's got such a bad headache and they're like maybe you should take him to the you know the urgent care if he's like so sick, like it hurts, so bad he's throwing up. And I was like okay, like okay, and he was very anti-doctor and so I was like you got to go to the doctor. He's like six, four, two, 40. I'm like, yeah, go to the doctor. And he's like no, and I was like got to go to the doctor.

Speaker 2: 9:32

Finally, I was able to like, basically like, bully him and bully him into getting in the car. And so we got in the car, went to the urgent care. They ordered a CT and discovered a, um, a large mass on the front of his brain and, um, they were like this is not good, you need to go to the emergency room right now. We've called to let them know you're coming. And, um, you know they, they'll get you right in.

Speaker 2: 9:59

We went, got an MRI and within an hour he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and doctor came in, gave us a pamphlet on the cancer, which is called glioblastoma. And if anybody is listening, who, like has had that in their life? That probably just triggered a whole bunch of that word, probably just triggered a whole bunch of feelings. But, um, they gave us a pamphlet and, um, I didn't even know how to say it, say the word, let alone what it was, and it was a very, very aggressive form of brain cancer that typically, um use, you know, has a a 12 to 16 month prognosis, and so you, uh, you don't survive it. And so they handed it back to us, gave him medicine and made us an appointment to come back to the neurologist next the next week, and sent us home.

Speaker 2: 10:57

And, uh, we went home with, you know, a heart full of shattered dreams and a future, and like there was nothing. There was nothing to, I don't know, nothing, to look forward to, nothing, to just a lot of fear, um, but at the same time, I felt confident that God would heal him. Yeah, I knew where my faith was at and are the people who surrounded us, and I was like he'll be, he'll be the one, he'll be the one that survives this. And I was like he'll be, he'll be the one, he'll be the one that survives this. And I knew it was going to be a dark road ahead and I had already seen his personality change, and so it was pretty grim, honestly.

Speaker 2: 11:34

But, um, we went home tried to try to be as normal with our kids as possible. Um and um he. We decided to go to MD Anderson in Houston cause that was the best, we felt like the best place for him to be. Um, and even though doctor after doctor was telling me like there won't be um, he's not going to, to survive this Like, even though, like, I heard that like a couple times a week for six months, um, I was still just like, yeah, but it wasn't that I was in denial.

Speaker 2: 12:17

I had prayed, I was praying, I was fasting, our church was praying and fasting. Um, I would get videos of people praying for him in other languages and there are people praying for him around the world and I was like God's not going to take him, like he's not going to take him, like I get like taking him from me because I'm okay, like I'll be okay, but why? Why my kids? We were, we got to be a family for five years. Why my kids? We were, we got to be a family for five years. And then this happens, you know, and um, I just had full faith and just continued to pray and fast and develop a closer relationship with God. Um, cause, that was really the only thing that gave me any kind of comfort. Um, so, anyways, so fast forward a year and less than a year, I guess, 11 months and 20 something days. Um, he passed away and um, just 11 months ago.

Speaker 2: 13:18

No, like from diagnosis, okay yeah.

Speaker 1: 13:21

Can I go back for a second? Like how was he, during this time, like you, had full faith and belief. Um, how was he like taking the news and like, what did that look like for him?

Speaker 2: 13:35

Um, I have no idea. I have no idea how he it was not something we talked about. Um, I tried to talk to him about it because we, um, we had a farm and a business and two kids and like, like, so much like construction equipment and we had lease places with cattle on it, like four or five different lease places, and I'm like we kind of should talk about some things like.

Speaker 2: 14:06

I know we don't want to, but um, so his tumor was in the front right part of his brain, which is where personality is at, and this is me and my like ignorant optimism. But when they told us it was in the front right part of his brain, I was like, oh, he's probably going to get nicer, like he's's probably gonna be like I don't know.

Speaker 1: 14:29

I just like.

Speaker 2: 14:30

I was just like, oh, this, this could be, this could be good. He could be just like so happy and carefree, because he was a little, you know, like always like thinking about the future and hustling and like pretty strict, and I was like he may look lightened up, you know, um, but that was not what happened. Um, it was not what happened he became. It was like he had um the last four months. It was like he had dementia. So sometimes he would not know where we were at. Um, he would do really strange things. Um, he would think we were at a know where we were at. He would do really strange things. He would think we were at a cabin when we were at our house, and so he'd tell the kids like hey, you guys need to go get your bags packed so we can go home. And the kids would be like what is happening? Like so freaked out, and then if they didn't go pack, he would get very angry, and so it was like there was a lot of anger there. So he was a very quiet, reserved person anyways, and then, as far as his emotions go, he was very talkative, like just lit up a room and stuff when he came in. He was so good at that but was very, very reserved with his emotions and didn't talk about him. And so there was that personality trait. And then there was the fact that there was cancer destroying that part of his brain. And then the third part was he like he couldn't even take Benadryl without like hallucinating before, like he was so sensitive to medications, like he didn't even take Tylenol unless something was really bad. And so then they put him on these extremely high, high doses of seizure medications, cause he was like, really like it was, he was at high risk for seizure and he did end up having a seizure, but they had him on seizure medication, they had him on steroids, they had him on something else three different kinds of medications and he was just like a zombie. So it was really, it was just really bizarre. So I don't know how he handled it or if he even knew.

Speaker 2: 16:40

I know when this is really sad, but, um, when I checked him into hospice, I didn't want him to know, okay, I didn't want him to know, that's where we were at and I was able to get everybody at hospice to turn their back, like I didn't ask him to. I was like can we please not tell him he's in hospice, cause I don't think he knows. And if he doesn't know it's okay Like he doesn't. He doesn't know anything, so it's not like I don't want that word to trigger anything.

Speaker 2: 17:05

And so the nurses would come in and they would have all taken their badges off and they didn't wear their logo stuff or anything around him until he was like, completely sedated and he was just so, um, anxious and nervous and confused, um, he was sedated the last month of his life, um, because that was the only way to make sure that he was not going to harm himself or somebody else, and so I don't think he knew. I think there was, I think there was about a week there. He got diagnosed and got saved two days later, um, and so yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:44

Tell us about that.

Speaker 2: 17:45

So we'd sat in church together for years, like 13, 14 years, and I always knew that he desired to be saved Like he wanted that I think he didn't feel worthy of the cross you know and what that meant.

Speaker 2: 18:01

I don't think he, I don't think he felt like he deserved it and I think it always kept him from making that step. And so when he got diagnosed, um, I, my dad, called me and he was like you should encourage him to get, get to be saved. And I was like I know, but I don't want to like have that conversation and my dad's like he's not going to survive this because my dad had lost his best friend to the exact same cancer about 20 years prior. And, um, and I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, yes, he's gonna be the one like watch, watch this. Um, yeah, it was so much optimism so you can imagine my confusion. Yes, when it didn't, it didn't didn't go as I had planned. Um, so I asked him. I was like, hey, it's just like real casual about it. I was like I know you like kind of want to do this, but like, um, what do you think about you know, going and being baptized and being saved or whatever? And he was like. He was like, yeah, he's like. I was actually just thinking about that and he was like so he's like let's go. And I said do you want to go today or tomorrow, cause we were going to go meet with a preacher and he was going to be baptized. And he was like today, and we both had COVID.

Speaker 2: 19:28

So when we went to, we went to the doctor and they COVID tested him because I thought he had COVID. And that night after we'd got home, we received the diagnosis. And we got home, the nurse calls and she was like hey, this is so-and-so from Dr. Whoever she was like, I just want to tell you we got Travis's COVID tests back and he tested positive, so he has COVID. And I was like he doesn't have COVID, he has brain cancer, thank you, like that's not what he has. And so, um, the next morning I woke up sick as a dog, I had COVID, and so we both had COVID Anyway. So we were like, um, we, he wanted to be baptized, and the preacher that we want he wanted to baptize him was, um, an old man, and I was like we have COVID. And he was like I don't care.

Speaker 1: 20:21

I love that yes. Something trying to keep you from it and he's just like, no, that's not going to stop me Love it.

Speaker 2: 20:30

And I had no, I had no like reservation that he I mean I know I didn't think for a second he would say no, but he was like an older man. I mean if he would have got COVID it could have been really bad for him, but he was just like absolutely not bring him let's go.

Speaker 1: 20:43

So it was really cool.

Speaker 2: 20:44

And so he was. He was baptized and went to Bible study with some friends and I know he was very deep in his prayer life but he was very private. So I don't, I don't know, but I do. I do know there was a few weeks or a couple of months that he knew he was probably not going to live, but after that I don't know. I definitely don't think he knew the last three or four months, because he asked me if I, if he was in a retirement home when we were at hospice and I was like, no, we're here to get your medicine fixed so you can feel better. And because when we put him in hospice they gave me morphine and they're like you can give him this morphine. I was like, no, I can't. And they were like and like this is how you need to get him up and get him out of bed and to the bathroom and stuff, because when you give him morphine he might not get up or whatever.

Speaker 1: 21:37

And I'm like I'm sorry and you're supposed to get him up on morphine.

Speaker 2: 21:41

I know I look at his sister and I'm like what is?

Speaker 2: 21:47

this that's not going to work for me, I'm sorry. Which they they? You know they hospice isn't supposed to take people, I don't think, unless they're, like, really close to the end and the doctors had told me that he was probably four months away from passing when I had to get hospice involved because he had they. The doctors at MD Anderson said he probably needed to go to, like, um, a mental institution type place because he was so confused and I was like I'm not putting my husband in a mental institute because he has brain cancer. And then I was like but like I can't keep him here Cause I can't, like I'm like I was sleeping with my hand on him at night so if he got up I could follow him and it was like, and at nighttime the personality would change.

Speaker 2: 22:33

It was just, it was so terrible honestly, um, and I think I made the right decision he died quicker cause we pulled him off all of his medications, um, but he, he passed away like probably three months before he would have otherwise he passed away naturally, but he, we weren't pumping all these drugs into him to prolong a really long suffering death. And that was a hard it was. It was not a hard decision to make. It was a sad decision to make, um, but it was very easy to say, cause, I mean, it was like my gosh if he was here and he was aware of the level of suffering that's happening with him and all of us like he would not want to prolong this.

Speaker 2: 23:17

And so, and I was the one who was calling the shots, and so that's what we did, and he passed away in hospice, and it was um. Being there at hospice was a wonderful, wonderful experience, um, they loved on me and supported me and my kids and um through a really, really dark time and um, so I remember sitting at my kitchen table and I was like this was before he died. But when I knew he was dying, I was like if I can figure out how to survive this which.

Speaker 2: 23:49

I will. I will take as many women through this as I possibly can. I will blaze a trail and figure this out because I am not the first in a long line of many that will have come before me and will come after me. Widowhood is pretty common.

Speaker 1: 24:47

Well, and how old are you now?

Speaker 2: 24:50

34. I was 32 when he passed away.

Speaker 1: 24:53

You were 32. Very young, I mean have you conjured a lot of young wives.

Speaker 2: 25:02

I haven't worked with a ton. I mean several widows, but I haven't worked with anybody that's close to my age.

Speaker 1: 25:09

Okay.

Speaker 2: 25:09

Maybe one might be close to my age, but most of them are, like you know, 50s. It's not me. It's not super common to be widowed at this age, yeah.

Speaker 1: 25:19

Yeah, I mean, like you said, to blaze a trail and you know I talk a lot about being a trailblazer and talking to a lot of trailblazers and I think the hardest part and you could probably agree with me, we all have different things that we're trailblazing in.

Speaker 1: 25:33

Um, I have a different realm that I'm walking in, but to trailblaze you have to, like, cut through a trail, you're gonna get really dark and it can be really lonely, it can be confusing, it can be really dark, um, so I wanted you to just maybe share a little bit more about that. Did you have anybody walking alongside you, like, who was coming alongside you? I know you said that the hospice was really supportive, but who came alongside you? Did people know how to like be with you during this time, because it's challenging, like death is challenging.

Speaker 2: 26:12

Cause it's challenging, Like death is challenging, yeah. So I uh was an athlete majority of my life and I'm like, okay, when you want to win a state championship, you gotta have a coach. When you want to, you know, change anything, you gotta have a coach. And I was like I need a therapist, I gotta have a therapist. So it was kind of you know, change anything, you got to have a coach. And I was like I need a therapist, I gotta have a therapist. So it's kind of, you know, I feel truly like it was a God thing. But I had a friend. She was like I do she's like equine therapy.

Speaker 2: 26:42

I did equine therapy with some of my foster kids and I was like, okay, cool, and I was like I'll call them. And so I called and talked to the lady and she was like why don't't you come out and like see the, see the ranch and stuff, and like you know, kind of get to know me a little bit. And, um, I was like I was like okay, sounds good, so call my friend. I was like, hey, just talk to Kim. I was like where you go next week? And she was like that lady's name ain't Kim. I was like yeah, it is, and she was like no, she's like it's this place. And I had called the wrong place, Um, but it was still a horse place, Cause that's what I had searched and I could only find one, and it was this one.

Speaker 2: 27:19

He was my my therapist, who's also a coach. Um lost her husband at 30, had children that were adopted and, um, the first like few sessions, she was like there's several sessions. She's like I don't want to talk about money, I just want to help you guys through the next few months. So we went every week and it was a high, the highlight of the week for me and the kids. They would go to basketball lessons with their trainer and then we'd go have therapy and then we'd go to our favorite Mexican restaurant and it was just a really positive day, Cause we always felt better when we left therapy. But I was like and excuse me for my bluntness, but I was like I'm not an idiot, I've never done this before, I don't know how to do it, and so I'm going to find somebody who's going to help me through this and my husband had life insurance because we were smart. People all the time are like you're lucky and I'm like no, we protected our assets.

Speaker 2: 28:17

So, um, we, we. That was a very conscious decision. We didn't win the lottery. I would say we lost the lottery. Okay, If anything, like we did not win anything by losing him, Um, but anyways. So I was like I have money to pay for therapy, for coaching.

Speaker 2: 28:35

I'm going to use it on this and, um, she helped me the first six months they're the six months before he passed in six months after, seven, eight months after, and then I just didn't need need her as much anymore. Um, so that was a huge part of it. Um, I also told her that I wanted to expedite my healing process and she laughed at me. She was like. She was like you can't do that and I was like watch me. I was like this is miserable. I was like I am miserable. I wake up sad, I go to bed sad. I wake up in the middle of the night sad. I work sad, I play sad. I'm like I don't, I don't want to do this. I was like I cry all the time because I don't want to do this longer than I have to. And so I became an expert on grief for myself, not for you, not for anybody else. I was just like this is just about as terrible as I could imagine. Lost my desire to live, couldn't even like. I just like looked at my kids and would be like that should be funny and I'm just blank staring at them. This is a great childhood for them. I'm like this is not good and so I threw everything at it, everything. People are like what did you do? And I'm like everything. Therapy Everything. People are like what did you do? And I'm like everything. Therapy, yes, every single week that I read books, yes, and no.

Speaker 2: 29:59

Um, I believe that at the core, we all know what we need to do and if you have a coach that is like you're bouncing ideas off of like um and kind of navigating stuff with, I don't think you need to be buried in books. You can over consume really easily and be like and now I don't know what to do. Um, so I was. I I leaned in hard to God and listen. I didn't know how to talk to him after my husband died. Um, I promised him when my husband got sick that, no matter what, I was not going to leave. I was not going to leave him. God, like I was not going anywhere. Um, and I and I reaffirmed that to him daily I am here, you can take him, you can heal him. I'm not going anywhere.

Speaker 2: 30:50

And some days that look like a day of prayer, just constantly, like first words out of my mouth in the morning Jesus, like are you there? Like I need you here before I can get out of bed. Okay, okay, we're good, let's go. But also there was a lot of days where my prayers just sounded like hey, god, I'm here and fully aware that I should be thankful for probably a billion things, but I can't say thank you right now, but I just want you to know, I'm here and that's it. I'm here. And that was months and months, and then I got really curious about who God really was, because he had been there with me and I'm like, oh, like, I want to know you more. And so there was an intimacy that grew there. Um, but I was taking ice baths because I was looking at raising two kids who came out of foster care, which can be really challenging. Um, I'm raising these kids. Totally intended to do that with my husband.

Speaker 2: 31:52

I'm raising them by myself, and I have a farm and a whole bunch of cows that I really don't have a desire to do anything with and I don't know what to do with them, and which my dad was really helpful, but at the end of the day, it was my responsibility. Had a construction company.

Speaker 1: 32:30

It was my responsibility I had a think of, so tell us more about that for those who, like me, are like oh no, please, don't like what. What led you to the ice?

Speaker 2: 32:43

Um it just people talking about the just it. It heals and it grounds you and it resets you and it reduces inflammation and it does something to your brain. That's like um, it's like a reset, but also a motivation thing. I can't really explain like all the benefits of it. Um, I don't do them anymore, although I'm really like into like trying to get myself back to doing them.

Speaker 2: 33:05

But during that time I had to um, and what happened was I knew that the road ahead for me was going to be rough. This is going to be really hard. And so I was like I'm just going to start out every day doing the hardest thing I'll do all day. And so that was getting in the ice. And so I knew when I got out of the ice, I was like, okay, ain't nobody else getting in the ice before seven o'clock in the morning, and so I'm like I it was empowering and I went, walked out into the world differently because of it, because I was like I'm tougher than pretty much everybody. You know whether that was true or not, I don't know, but I was like it was. I would do it and just remind myself who I was and how tough I was and how I wasn't afraid of suffering and I wasn't afraid of pain and I wasn't afraid of being uncomfortable, and those are, those are the things that were going through my head while I was in the ice was like ain't nothing going to stop me.

Speaker 1: 34:05

Yeah, like you're reading your tenacious statements over yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 34:10

And the kids. The kids had to be trained, Cause it would sound like. I was dying you know, like gasping for air, like screaming, like you know, and I would be like I'm going to be in here and I'm probably you're probably going to hear me breathing, cause I mean, it just sucks the air out of you. Um, I was like do not come check on me.

Speaker 1: 34:40

I can imagine your kids like oh my gosh is mom Okay? No, mom is not okay, it'll be all right Now did you have them do this too?

Speaker 2: 34:50

Heck, no. No, my son does cold showers, but he's his choice because he started seeing that I was doing it and that I was really cool, just kidding.

Speaker 1: 35:02

So for you, this was one of your keys. The Lord brought you to other keys. You had therapy and coaching, and for those who don't maybe understand or know what therapy and coaching is, there's a difference between the two. But since we're both coaches, maybe you want to just share a little bit of kind of what this woman did for you, as you were like in sessions with her.

Speaker 2: 35:27

Yeah, it was. It was just how do we get through the next seven days till I see you again? And that looked different every single week. Some days it was navigating relationships with extended family, some days it was what do I do with his clothes? Like, what do I do with you know this or that? Or how do I process, like, or how do I, you know?

Speaker 2: 35:51

Like one thing she told me and this and this is a very like coach thing but she was like cause I'm raising these two kids and like it's, it's not fun, honestly, and I'm just like drowning and trying to like keep them from drowning, like it didn't make sense. Um, but it was really hard and like, like I said, not a lot of fun. And she was like you need to check into the mental health hotel at least once a month. And the mental health hotel was any hotel. I wanted to do whatever I wanted for the time that I was there, and so I started doing that.

Speaker 2: 36:22

I mean, I think that's a very coach thing to do is to see a need and to find a solution that's doable for you. And so I would go one day a month. I would check in at like four, check out at 11 the next day I would eat pizza in bed and I would get ice cream and I would watch. You know, just watch movies and sleep and just kind of just let just get a break for a second. But that's what coaching is. It's it's making life manageable and helping you hit those goals. That like, like I said, I think we all know what we need, but she gave me permission.

Speaker 1: 37:00

Like.

Speaker 2: 37:00

I felt guilty for leaving my kids Like I don't want to leave. I hadn't left them since he died, Like you know. Are they going to be afraid of never coming back, which they haven't. I'm thankful for that, but that's a thing. Are they going to be afraid of never coming back, which they haven't? I'm thankful for that. But that's a thing you know when you lose one parent, you think the other one might die too. It's just kind of a feeling you have. But guess what? My kids were fine, Guess what, they didn't miss me and they enjoyed grandma's house and it was good.

Speaker 2: 37:29

And I came back like, oh okay, I can do this, I can do this, I can go another few weeks and do this again. But coaching really, just, you know, gives you confidence and permission and a plan and and the accountability you know, cause it's like, am I going to go back to Kim next week complaining about how stressed out I am after I didn't do what she told me to do last week? Like no, like what? What's the point of paying her? I'm going to just ignore her help. So there's accountability there, because you're handing over money and you're like okay, it's a little bit more motivation.

Speaker 2: 38:04

But people who are like I'm going to you know, do this myself I'm like great, that's going to you're, you might figure it out, but it it's gonna be a lot slower.

Speaker 1: 38:19

I don't know why you want to drag this out. This is misery, exactly, and, like you said, you wanted to accelerate the process, which you know. How did I mean? If you look back, can you imagine not having somebody to walk alongside you?

Speaker 2: 38:26

no. So this is what was happening as I was talking to my family oh, oh, don't do that. I was talking to them about the extreme emotions and thoughts I was having and they were listen, they were grieving too. Like they were grieving because they were very close with my husband, and then they were grieving because I was grieving. My mom told me she was like you can't imagine how it felt watching you grieve, like as a mother, and like not being able to do anything about it. And so she was carrying that Plus. I was reaching out to her, sharing my pain, and there was anything she could do. She was not trained, she was not equipped to handle that.

Speaker 2: 39:08

Neither was my sister, and so I was bringing that to them and they couldn't handle it. And so, like your family doesn't deserve that, like they don't, they don't know how even if your parent is a therapist, like you just go dump your garbage on them and then expect them to just walk away, not being affected by it. It's really. It's really unfair. But I think people who don't reach out to coaches and therapists that's like that's who they reach out to or they overuse friends.

Speaker 2: 39:42

That's another thing I see a lot of women who are like I've lost all my friends and I'm like, well, I can't imagine why. Probably because you sit and you gripe and complain to them and you're grieving all over them and they don't know how to help you. So they distance themselves Like I don't know, I don't know what to do for you, you know, and it's like that's kind of harsh, but I see that so much where women are like you know they're five years down the road and have nobody to talk to because they've overused friendships for something they're really weren. And I think friends are so important, so valuable, and but like let's not put jobs on them that they can't handle. That's not fair.

Speaker 1: 40:22

Yeah, I think this is such an important conversation to have to like to bring this into the light that we actually need neutral people.

Speaker 2: 40:32

Yeah, yeah for sure they're not they're not.

Speaker 1: 40:34

They're like you know they maybe are a couple separated. They're not, they're like you know they maybe are a couple separated. You know that could be. You know your cousin's, you know friend's, grandma or somebody. But when it comes to the people in your close circle, yeah, like you said, not everybody is meant to do that work with you no-transcript.

Speaker 2: 41:09

Right, and they're probably not going to listen to you, Even if you did say something. I mean like if my mom or sister was to give me advice.

Speaker 1: 41:14

I'd be like have you ever been in my shoes? Yeah, so take this word that that Jo Beth has shared, especially in this realm. Find people Like if you're in this realm walking through grief, reach out to Jo Beth, right, this is an area that is complex, like I'm a coach, but if I were to find somebody that comes along my path who needs somebody to grief coach, I would not take somebody on in that realm because it's not what I've walked through.

Speaker 1: 41:46

Yeah, I have in some degrees, but, um, so, as you're again, so you you're working with um this coach and it's I'm so I'm just so glad that you had somebody in your corner during that time. So tell us a little bit more, like even on the kids perspective, like how, how did they do, like what did you? How did you have like extra support in your corner for them?

Speaker 2: 42:13

So with as a family. So people ask this all the time and it's so complicated, it's just, it's not. It's not linear, there's not a book, there's not something that I could even say, but I do feel like there is something at the core that is really important, and that is that I don't know if my kids have already grieved or they are going to grieve later.

Speaker 2: 42:39

I don't know, like I don't know, I can't really tell with them. Um, but what I know is that if we can normalize having emotions and letting them feel their emotions and talk about their emotions on things that are not related to their dad, when time comes up for them to grieve him, them grieve him. They already know that it's okay because they've done it in other ways with other things and they they're prepared and equipped and they have a relationship with me where they know that I can handle whatever emotions they have. And so I think for my daughter it's come up as like, like they're a bird died. Listen, we live on a farm. Things die Like.

Speaker 2: 43:22

Our cat kills something every day, so it's like death is pretty normal. But there was a blue jay last year that died, it from the cat and, uh, she had it for a day. She kept him up and with food and water until it could get the rest of his wings and stuff, and that was the plan. What died? And it wrecked her and every part of me wanted to be like it is a bird, like, like. Why are we crying? Like you have had major loss in your life. This is a bird.

Speaker 2: 43:56

But in my I shut my mouth and I was just like, okay, I'm just going to not talk until that thought process finishes. And I was just like. Then I was like, oh, this is really sad. And I was like and then I was like, in my mind I was like this isn't about the bird Cause it was like full body crying like deep, deep grief and I was like, okay, and so, even though she didn't have the words to say, like, this is about my dad, like I really felt like it probably was, but it felt safer grieving this bird, and so just like, holding them with open hands, letting them know every emotion's okay and so that when that comes up around their dad, they know that it's safe. I think that's the best thing you can do and that is honoring really small, stupid losses, like oh, I should have said stupid like the bird, like, like when you're like yeah, what if?

Speaker 2: 44:54

I would have been like it was a stupid bird. Get over it. Well, that said, get over your feelings. Like those are stupid feelings. Let me know if you have real ones. They're all feelings. So, um, and I've made my share of mistakes. Like I'm not talking some like from some throne, of just super high intelligence, of grief. Like I'm just saying like there's a way you want to show up and that's you know you want your kids to feel like there's no emotion that they are going to have that's too big for you to handle and that they can bring that to you.

Speaker 1: 45:28

That's so good. I love, I just love your heart for for your kids, and the ways that you have just been like. You continue to rise up right, yeah.

Speaker 2: 45:40

Yeah, that's the goal every day.

Speaker 1: 45:42

Many days Um, so it's been how long since he passed.

Speaker 2: 45:49

Um, it was the very beginning of 23. So it's been oh my gosh, I'm so weird with time Two and a half years.

Speaker 1: 45:59

I have no concept of time.

Speaker 2: 46:01

It's really weird, like when people ask me that cause he got he, he passed away like the very beginning of 23, which means like it's like a whole year of 23. Like it wasn't like it would have been. It feels like it was 22, which it really kind of almost was, and but he died on 2nd of January 2022.

Speaker 1: 46:20

Yeah Well, is there anything else that you would want to share with the listeners today? As we talked about before we got started, both of us really have a heart for the one, right? If you are just thinking of somebody right now who's listening in. Is there any other words of encouragement or any keys that you took from your journey that you'd want to share with the listeners today? And then I'm going to have you pray us out today if you're open to that.

Speaker 2: 46:45

Yeah for sure. Well, first of all, like I think a lot of people get stuck in confusion and that is not a place you want to be and I offer a free 30 minute call, it's just out of the goodness of my heart. It might be a good idea for you to work with me. It might not be, but I can give you some clarity and give you like a 30,000 foot view of what's going on and get you pointed in the right direction. That might be coaching, therapy, rehab. I don't know what you need, but I can give you a pretty good idea after talking to you for about 15 minutes. So I want to extend that to anybody who's listening.

Speaker 2: 47:24

But I think the other thing is, just like every day, when you wake up, remember that you're a warrior and like don't, don't entertain, that you're a victim or that you're not good enough or you can't, like I will call my kids out and I'd be like I'll be, like you don't cuss in this house. When they tell me they can't, I'm like I don't even want to hear that, I don't care if it's the pickle jar. There's a way you know, like you can do anything. And so remind yourself of that. That's a dangerous place to be. And so have that warrior mentality and cling to God. He's the only one that knows, and, um, he's the ultimate coach and counselor. So that is, that is what I would say.

Speaker 1: 48:09

So much, goodness Well, will you pray us out?

Speaker 2: 48:11

Yeah, for sure dear lord, thank you so much for this conversation and um for platforms like this, I just I think back to when you were trying to share the good news and how complicated and hard it was.

Speaker 2: 48:32

And here we are and we get to um, hop on the video calls with people from across the world and across the country and get to share who you are and how you show up for us and just want to thank you for that opportunity and I want to thank you personally for being a light in my heart and a guide and a coach and somebody who loves me unconditionally, so that just giving me the example of how to do that for others, and I pray for people who are in deep grief.

Speaker 2: 49:07

It is so easy for people to walk away from you and I just pray that today they'll choose to walk towards you, because you are the Prince of Peace and you are the only truth and comfort that we're going to find on this earth. I just pray that people will walk towards you or not walk, but sprint towards you during a time of hurt, and I just pray that you show them that deep intimacy that you can provide to them while they're healing. Lord, and just thank you so much for the opportunity that we have to be in this country and to be able to talk so openly about you and your love and what you do for us, and just pray that this podcast today will reach who needs to hear it, that lives will be transformed. In Jesus' name, I pray, amen.

Speaker 1: 49:52

Amen. Well, Jo Beth, how can the listeners reach you? Beth, how can the listeners reach you?

Speaker 2: 49:56

The best ways on Facebook, and that is Jo Beth Polly, p-o-l-l-e-y.

Speaker 1: 50:05

So I'm pretty certain.

Speaker 2: 50:06

I'm the only one ever. I've never met another one, I know. Somebody one day was like who named you? I'm like who named you.

Speaker 1: 50:15

Your parents.

Speaker 2: 50:17

That's who names you. Why would you ask me that?

Speaker 1: 50:20

I would say something similar to that.

Speaker 2: 50:24

Who named you the doctor that delivered? You Don't ask me that, Anyways, yeah. Jo Beth Pauly on Facebook, but I'm NWA grief specialists with an S and that's my. I'm also on Instagram, Facebook, and that's also my website, so you guys can find me there, but I prefer Facebook.

Speaker 1: 50:43

Awesome. Well, I'll go ahead and add your contact information in the show notes, and thank you for being a brave voice. Who's setting so many free? I'm going to close with the anchoring verse, for Hope, unlocked it's. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope, and that's Romans 15, 13. So thank you again, jo Beth. I will be back with another episode next week. Bye.

Speaker 2: 51:23

Bye, thank you.