How Jesus Broke the Chains of Addiction in Writer Kristian DePue’s Life

In this powerful Hope Unlocked episode, writer Kristian DePue shares his raw journey from small-town dreams to deep addiction, blackout weekends, ER detox, and a life spiraling into isolation. He opens up about grief, shame, and the dark night where spiritual warfare collided with a desperate prayer—“Jesus, help.” What followed was a supernatural breakthrough, unexpected intercession, and a miraculous lifting of cravings. This conversation offers hope, healing, sobriety, and the redeeming power of Jesus.

Kristian's contact info:

Email - kristian.depue@gmail.com

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome, Mission Of Hope Unlocked
• 1:03 Meet Christian: From Math To Magazines
• 4:31 Mentors, Networking, And First Bylines
• 7:55 Space Force Public Affairs Years
• 10:56 Mountains, Sunshine, And Restlessness
• 13:43 California False Start And Return
• 19:04 Alcohol Becomes A Crutch
• 22:59 Pandemic Isolation And Escalation
• 25:49 Loss, Blackouts, And Hospital Detox
• 32:04 Moving Home And Starting Over
• 35:04 Fired, Rock Bottom, And A Whispered Yes
• 39:02 White‑Knuckling Sobriety Cycles
• 42:52 Eviction, Kindness, And Near Homelessness
• 47:47 Seizure In The Snow And Survival
• 51:46 The Night Attack And Saying Jesus’ Name
• 56:49 A Pastor Steps In With Steady Care
• 1:02:04 Two People Praying The Same Night
• 1:04:49 The Craving Lifts And Sobriety Holds
• 1:08:04 A Confirming Word And Gentle Guidance
• 1:12:49 Rebuilding Life And Choosing Obedience
• 1:17:49 Final Encouragement And Prayer
• 1:20:54 How To Reach Christian & Closing Blessing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:16

Welcome to the Hope Unlock Podcast. I'm your host, Kristen Kurtz, and I'm also the founder of New Wings Coaching. I help and empower wild-hearted and adventurous women of faith feeling caged and stuck, unlock their true purpose and potential, break free from limitations, and thrive with confidence, courage, and hope. If you're curious to learn more about coaching with me, head to New WingsCaching.net and be sure to explore the show notes for ways to connect with me further. Get ready to dive in as we uncover empowering keys and insights in this episode. So tune in and let's unlock hope together. Welcome to the Hope Unlocked podcast. I'm Kristen Kurtz, your host. I pray this episode is like a holy IV of hope for your soul. Please help me welcome Christian DePew to the show. I'm very excited to have him here today. He is a mutual friend of my dear friend Amy Delp, um, coming to us from Indiana. So, Christian, would you be open to sharing a little bit about yourself today before we get into your story?

SPEAKER_01: 1:13

Yeah, so I'm uh yeah, my name is Christian DePew. I uh grew up in small town northern Indiana. Um, but I spent uh five and a half years in Colorado, but I've since come back. Uh um and uh I work as a freelance writer. Um trying to think of anything notable. I've written uh a voiceover for uh an Olympic runner once for a video um by Aaron Anderson. That was a great uh opportunity. Uh I've interviewed comedian Mark Norman, if anybody knows who that is, uh and some others. Um, but yeah, just work as a freelance writer, primarily um contributing to magazines.

SPEAKER_00: 1:55

Okay, very cool. So, what like what got you into writing? Have you always been a writer? Like, did you grow up writing? I'm always fascinated by people who have that gifting.

SPEAKER_01: 2:05

Uh, it's funny, I'm kind of an unusual writer in the sense, like in high school, I my strengths were more in mathematics, but but in college, I ended up being a biblical studies major. That's what I graduated with. And in that process, I just became a reader and a writer. And I just wrote uh, well, I did write for the school newspaper my senior year. Uh, just had a column and then I just did it for fun for a long time. But when I moved to Colorado, I worked as a recruiter as my uh like my day job, so to speak. And then I um I started, I just hit the ground running and just started networking and found a mentor, and she opened some doors really quick for me. And I started writing for different publications out there in Colorado Springs and well, actually statewide, but a lot of them are local to Colorado Springs.

SPEAKER_00: 2:52

Okay. So you had a mentor who helped open these doors for you. Like how quickly was it? Because it sounds like that's pretty quick in this realm of you know becoming a you know writer per se, right? Um, pun intended. So what did that look like for you, you know, working with this mentor? Uh no, you're right.

SPEAKER_01: 3:12

It was super fast. So I I I got her as a mentor through an organization called the Colorado Springs Rising Professionals.

SPEAKER_02: 3:19

Oh.

SPEAKER_01: 3:19

And I uh I was a part of them. And I got paired up with her. Her name was Becca. And it didn't last that long because she ended up moving uh like because Carlos Springs is really spread apart. It's like a sprawl. Honestly, if you're up in the mountains and you look at it at night, it looks like a mini Los Angeles, the way the sea of the lights like flow. Oh wow, and um yeah, it's just very spread out. I think it's um wasn't planned to be as big as it's grown, so it just keeps growing further and further outward. Um, so she moved to another side of town. So we were only, she probably only mentored me for like two, three months, honestly. But she connected me. I think the first big connection she gave, I she gave me a couple of free opportunities with a marketing agency. And then uh she connected with me um with an editor with the Cairo Springs uh Business Journal, and I started writing for them, and then it just kind of unfolded into uh I did some stuff for Rocky Mountain Food Report, and then it went into Springs magazine, and then I just Cairo Springs Lifestyle and then just various publications. Um, and then my last year in Colorado, well, for a little over a year, I actually started writing full time. I was a staff writer with the public affairs office with a military installation. Oh wow, it was it used to be the Peterson Shrever Garrison, it was an Air Force installation, but um eventually became Space Based Delta One with Space Force. I I laugh a little because it still sounds like science fiction to me.

SPEAKER_00: 4:47

It does. It's like something out of a book, right? So, what did that look like like on a daily basis to be a full-time writer? I'm I'm just thinking of some of the people that I know who are just really challenged to write, but they know that they have that gifting in them.

SPEAKER_01: 5:03

Um when I was, yeah, when I was at the public affairs office, I um there it was kind of a hybrid job, not kind of, it was a hybrid job. So sometimes I worked from home occasionally, but I most of the time I was showing up at the office every day and uh it was just interviewing. Um I did some photographing, but not much. Um writing, editing, reviewing other uh staff members' work who were mostly actually military personnel. I was one of the few like contracted civilians. And uh and then I was still writing for magazines on the side, like Caro Springs Lifestyle and other and um Thirst Colorado and other ones. So I was doing that as well.

SPEAKER_00: 5:43

Okay. And do you love writing?

SPEAKER_01: 5:47

I do. Um, I'm kind of trying to recalibrate that, but I I've got four book ideas that maybe I'll eventually get to. Maybe we'll see if they're kind of like little dream projects. But um, yeah, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do next um as far as writing goes. Um, but yeah, I was did uh professional writing for about uh eight years there, I would say.

SPEAKER_00: 6:08

That's amazing. Well, between so you came back to Indiana. Like, are you loving being back in Indiana?

SPEAKER_01: 6:16

Um, I never planned on coming back, and that's a big part of my story. Yeah, but um it's it's good, it's what's best for me. It's been a difficult time, and we'll get to that. But it's uh yeah, it's I I am I'm glad to be back. Um I miss I miss some stuff about Colorado for sure. There, I miss the view of the mountains. Uh I would hike occasionally, but I really the view never got old because Colorado Springs butts up right against the front range. Like Denver's a little isolated, it's kind of stands away from the mountains. Okay, but Colorado Springs is right up against it, and um yeah, so you could um the view is beautiful every morning. Uh the weather, I mean, Colorado Springs is known as 300 days of sunshine. So I um take that. Yeah, that was great. Um, so yeah, I don't care for Midwest winter. Love the fall. Um, I would actually say fall is arguably better here than Colorado.

SPEAKER_02: 7:12

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01: 7:13

Colorado is known for the aspen trees, so everything kind of turns yellow, but here there's just such a variety of color, and uh yeah, I love it. And fall's my favorite season, so it is.

SPEAKER_00: 7:23

Well, so you're probably enjoying it. And and you know, I'm in the northern part of US as well, and all the leaves are golden, green, red, orange, and then I'm like, oh no, they're gonna fall off.

SPEAKER_01: 7:34

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:36

And that's when that's when winter sets in. But well, I know like we we had a chance to talk, um, gosh, was it a couple few weeks ago, to hear a little bit more about your story? And I just know that you are really gonna bring um such a testimonial here to Hope Unlocked. And you know, part of what I do here is really to impact the one, right? And I do believe that what you're gonna share here today um will really impact the one. So if you are open to it, um wherever you feel led to to start, um, you know, kind of digging into what you shared with me recently, um, would love to give you that opportunity today.

SPEAKER_01: 8:56

Yeah, I've um so just like on one-on-one coffee meetings, I've been uh opening up and starting to share my story since it's um uh and it and and a lot of people have responded very like they're very encouraged by it. Um, even pastors, which is kind of unique that I would be encouraging pastors um to hear what I have to say. But um yeah, I think probably the best place to start is is um like my senior year of high school, I started to really struggle with anxiety. It's um like very badly. And I know um I don't know a ton about my family history, but I know if if you have anything regarding related to mental health struggles at all, and it runs in your family, a lot of times it will like I don't know what the best word is, but like surface itself sometime between like ages 17 to like early 20s, like 22 or 23. So during my senior year of high school, I it was it just hit me so hard that um it anxiety kind of changed my, not kind of, it changed my personality quite a bit. I became much more guilt ridden, uh black and white, and kind of um not kind of, but pretty OCD in in some ways. And so I went into college that way. In fact, one way that I've illustrated it, um I feel as though, so like early in my senior year, you kind of figured out who you were taking to prom. Sure. Yeah, I took a sophomore girl. I feel like um she agreed to go with one guy and a different guy took her. Like, because I was just so different by the time the end of the school year came around. And uh I always felt bad about that. Like I was just a lot more uptight. Uh, I wasn't as like carefree because I was kind of my uh later part of high school, I was kind of a bit of a class clown, screwball. Yeah, um, but yeah, it just it really just uh it completely changed me. So I go to I go to Grace College in Winona Lake, Indiana, which is was only about an hour and 15 minutes from my hometown. Well, it's where I live again now. I'm back in the Winona Lake area, but um my hometown is uh called Winnemac. It's a really tiny town, about 2,400 people. So I only moved just over an hour away. Went to college, and the anxiety was like disorienting too in the sense that I would overthink and second guess everything. So I I was pretty lost, and I ended up changing my majors four times, and the fourth one ended up being biblical studies, and uh I still finished in four years, uh, because I like did 21 hour credit or semesters or whatever, and um like a full load, yeah, yeah. So I I graduated on time, didn't do like an additional semester or an additional year, and um, and then after college, I was still that kind of pretty lost and just kind of floated from job to job.

SPEAKER_03: 11:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 11:56

So long story short, um I eventually wanted to make a change and I went out west. I went to California first, and it didn't last very long. I was in Santa Clarita, just north of Los Angeles, staying in this place uh with like was it four or five other guys during that month? And uh it couldn't be, it was such an eclectic group of guys, and I have a lot of like fond memories of it, honestly, because it was just so um, and it's very distinct to me going out to California because it was uh summer of 2016. Okay, it was right around the time. I don't know if you remember this, Pokemon Go just came out.

SPEAKER_00: 12:38

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 12:40

Everybody was on the sidewalks and streets with their heads down on their phones playing this, and I I vividly remember that.

SPEAKER_02: 12:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 12:47

Um, also when I got to Santa Clarita, the day after I arrived, this large wildfire called the Sand Fire started. So, like ashes raining from the sky for the first few days. And uh another notable thing that was going on. Uh, do you remember when like it was hitting the news this creepy clown craze late summer and into fall? I don't. Oh yeah. People were dressing up as creepy clowns, but it was like hitting the news because it was all over the US, it just became this trend and they were scaring people at night. So there were news reports about it. Oh wow, and um, I think some of them actually did get violent just because people had firearms on them and they were scared. Like it literally was all over the news. So I just remember those distinct things about summer of 2016, but it didn't last long because again, I got um I wasn't a writer yet, but I knew I enjoyed writing, and I tried to get into this marketing agency that I found out while I was there. It didn't work out, but I put all my eggs in that one basket. Since it didn't work out, I didn't ultimately get the job. Okay, I got very again, I got just exceedingly anxious, and so I just drove back to Indiana. And then I kind of stayed in hiding in my hometown for a few months until I landed a job in Colorado because of a one of my best friends had already moved to Colorado Springs, and uh his company, his organization had a position open up and uh he said I'd be a good fit. Uh honestly, it was easy peasy. I just did uh a 20-minute like video interview, and the next day they offered it to me. So then I'm in Colorado. So one of my best friends, yeah, ended up working with him. Uh worked as a recruiter and then yeah, just hit the ground running. And I was I was really good at like I think that pressure of like since I had an income and a place to be or place to stay, an apartment. Well, actually, I rented a basement out of this like 100-year-old home. It was great. I love that that place. It was in the old north end of Colorado Springs. Um, my my other goal in my mind was I just wanted to get into writing. I wanted to see if I could break into because I've always been felt lost. I was like, I can write, I'm gonna do this. And so I just networked like crazy, got it in touch, got it with the Colorado Springs Rising professionals, got a mentor, and I very quickly started writing. But the other thing I remember people commenting on is in the downtown scene of Colorado Springs, after being there for a year, I heard uh multiple times, people were surprised I didn't grow up there. There's like, you know, everybody in the downtown area. I think it kind of came from desperate, like a desperate sense for it to feel like home. I was just always out all the time. Yeah. Maybe that's uh one aspect too of at this point. I had started to use alcohol as like a crutch for like my anxiety.

SPEAKER_02: 15:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 15:32

And um also I was always out at the bar scenes, like craft cocktail bars, dives, mostly more on the craft end. Um, I really, I really loved a good cocktail. Um and I had some favorites. Um but I I yeah, I started to really um use alcohol as a crutch, partly because I recognized like this is gonna sound I'm not endorsing this. This is just how I literally recognized um that it was making me better at first.

SPEAKER_03: 16:04

Um I'm stressing that.

SPEAKER_01: 16:08

I do want to stress that. But at the time, it did make me better. Like and I and I've heard other people who have had high anxiety say this exact same thing, and I completely relate to it. It's um when they've had like a couple drinks, they have this feeling like, oh, is this what normal people feel like without alcohol? And I I had that sense because it and it also helped me be a better writer. I before I even knew this was a thing, I adopted the whole uh oh creed motto of write drunk, edit sober. It's a common thing that writers do. Oh, okay. Um so I I was doing that. Uh having a couple drinks would help me network, it would keep me from overthinking, and I would make decisions faster and more efficiently. Uh I was just a lot more productive and I was easier to be around, and I liked myself better. Um, so I will say, like, uh yeah, at first it uh kind of made it made me a little bit of a better, more successful person until it didn't. And uh I and and and I'm not saying this in any political sense uh uh whatsoever. I'm just using him as an example because I overheard him say this in an interview. I don't remember if it was on the Sean Ryan show or what it was, but uh RFK Jr. set everything political aside, yeah. But he um he used to abuse heroin and he was talking about it, and he said when he he was like a mediocre student at best, but when he first started doing heroin, he said for some reason he could sit still, focus, and he became like a straight A student. And again, he's like at first, and then things just started to fall apart quickly, and I don't know his story very well. I don't really actually know a whole lot about him.

SPEAKER_00: 17:51

Um I didn't know that about him. Wow.

SPEAKER_01: 17:53

Yeah, he ended up getting caught. Um, what stopped him with the heroin, I think ultimately is he got caught in an airport with heroin on him. At a young he was really young. This was I don't even know when, 70s, 1980s. But um, yeah, again, I don't know much about him except for he's married to Cheryl Hines that's on Kerbier Enthusiasm.

SPEAKER_00: 18:11

So oh my god. Well, I mean, so I want to again just really stress what you said about the at first, because um, you know, how long was the at first? How long did that last for you?

SPEAKER_01: 18:28

Well, I I've been reflecting back on it a lot, uh, knowing this interview is gonna come up. And I would say as far as like probably consciously using it, I don't even I'm not sure how consciously it was more just like natural because it was just part of my lifestyle too. Like I was in cocktail bars, I just liked having a glass of whiskey in my hand. Um, I don't know if you have you seen the big Lebowski, how he always has a white Russian in his hand.

SPEAKER_00: 18:53

Oh my gosh, it's been a long time.

SPEAKER_01: 18:55

Oh, okay. He calls him Caucasians, but he's always got a uh lowball glass of uh white Russian in his hand. I just I kind of just liked always having a glass in my hand. I still always have a beverage, like a tea or a coffee, almost out of habit, um, in my hand. So it's very much like my lifestyle is kind of natural to me. Um, honestly, probably a medical doctor would say I was uh an alcoholic probably for at least a decade. But I it's um, but as far as like really when I was in Colorado and I was probably using it much more as a crutch, um it was probably only good for honestly, probably only like two or three years before I started having some adverse stuff. But they started off few and far between.

SPEAKER_02: 19:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 19:38

Like maybe I would behave in a way that was inappropriate or out of turn. Or I remember I got like really mad at someone once in a bar, and uh that was quite unusual for me. And uh, especially when alcohol originally just kind of made me more pleasant and like kind of a more fun-loving guy. So there were some like some red flags early on. Um, but when I really nosedived during my last year in Colorado, and some of that might have been actually, I know it was. Um the uh COVID shutdown, the pandemic shutting down, everything. Um, I was one of those that, yeah, was probably just drinking more and more during not probably, I was drinking more and more during that time. I and I was in Colorado. I should have just gone on hikes to get out, and uh but I yeah, no, definitely uh turned to the bottle. But it got really bad during my like last year, year and a half. Um I I there were certain certain things that happened. I won't go into all of it, but um uh actually my one thing that did happen, one of my best one of my best friends, uh the guy who was already in Colorado that got me the job as a recruiter there, uh, he got killed in a car accident. Not his fault, but uh he was just south of Colorado Springs. He was a drummer. And uh on the side, outside of work, he would actually clean up and fix up drums, drum sets. He would purchase them, clean them, fix them up, and sell them for a little bit more. Just kind of uh what do you call that when you do that with cars? Uh like kind of he's like flipping drum sets, essentially.

SPEAKER_02: 21:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 21:17

And uh he picked up a drum set in Pueblo, Colorado, was driving back north of Colorado Springs. He got hit from some by someone from behind and was pushed into oncoming traffic.

SPEAKER_00: 21:26

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01: 21:26

But there was other there were other things uh that happened in Colorado too. I I started to isolate myself more and more, and uh some of it was drinking related because as I mentioned, I started to once in a while act out a turn. I would get very, very embarrassed by that. And so I started to go out less. And I remember one of the guys uh I knew in Colorado during my last year, he even commented, it's like, Christian, you used to like be out in the community a lot, everyone saw you, and now you just go to work, you go to the liquor store, and you go home. And that was pretty much my pattern of behavior. I would be blackout drunk every night during the week, and I would be blackout drunk from Friday night through Sunday night, uh, every weekend.

SPEAKER_00: 22:11

Oh my gosh. And you were still working during the day? I'm still working, yeah. Like what did your days look like? I guess I'm kind of curious. What like how did you function during the day?

SPEAKER_01: 22:22

Um, well, or did you not at that point? So I would say my last year at Colorado, um I I still had a few years of drinking ahead of me, uh as bad as I was then. I um I was still pretty functional during the day, but it was definitely having an effect on me. I was like having I was in kind of a haze. Um, I think I was having um real like what was my cure for anxiety was now creating more anxiety if I wasn't drinking. So anytime I wasn't drinking, I was having much more anxiety.

SPEAKER_00: 23:00

And that became like a thing you started to actually recognize after a while.

SPEAKER_01: 23:05

I did, but I was in such denial. I I yeah, it's embarrassing to admit to that, but yeah, I because it seems so cartoonish or just a real thing.

SPEAKER_00: 23:16

It's a real thing, you know. I mean, I I was safe from addiction, so I I understand. Um, and and I'm kind of curious, you know, you had people around you like at work or friends, like did anybody recognize like what you're walking through? Like, did they ever say anything? Like, I think, are you okay? Like, how are you doing? You know, you know what I mean? Did you have people that came alongside you to kind of try to wake you up a little bit?

SPEAKER_01: 23:44

At that time, I think um most people knew I was drinking too much. That anybody that knew me, I not like just anybody, but anyone that knew me. Um I mean, there was a few comments here and there. I mean, it did come to I mean, to paint a picture of how bad I did get and was um sorry, I had something in my throat. I um I eventually got hospitalized during that last year in Colorado. And it was around 4th of July of what year that would have been 20th of July 2022, I think.

SPEAKER_00: 24:18

So just a few years ago, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 24:20

Yeah, I um it was actually by a a lady I worked with. Um so as a con when I worked for the public affairs office, I was technically employed with what was called the Colorado Publishing House.

SPEAKER_02: 24:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 24:33

Um I'm not sure if they're still in existence or not, I think so, but whatever. I I someone um I hate this term, but it's probably the best way to paint a picture. She was kind of like became a little bit like my work mom towards the end. Um I well, I just I really hate it when people say work wife and work husband.

SPEAKER_00: 24:52

It really's more of like a nurturer, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 24:56

Well, I think she she was someone that recognized something was up with me. And um, because she made a comment once and we bumped into each other. It's like, because I guess I had multiple times said, because things around me started to go pretty bad too. I had a car breakdown, I was getting stressed about uh money and other things, and she noticed that I kept saying, I don't think I can take one more thing. Like I said that, I guess, a few times around her. And I can't remember exactly how it all went down, but I think I missed a day or two of work, and she called me to check on me and ended up uh telling me to wait at my place when she was gonna come over. Yeah, and at that point I had just gotten done, I don't know, probably on one of my typical benders, but I was acting pretty erratic and like pretty quite manic, if I remember right. And she decided she was gonna take me to the emergency room. And um, what I didn't know at the time until I've done a lot of reading since, I was like exhibiting signs of what's called hepatic encephalopathy, um, which is pretty bad. I can get into that a little bit later. But so she takes me to the ER, and um I I when I get there, at one point like I my body started to kind of fall apart a little bit because I'm sitting there in the lobby talking to her, and I kind of tell her something about my life story, and she's um and I remember doing that, but I remember specifically a nurse comes up to me, ask me if I can stand, and I was just like, What are you talking about? Of course I can. I go to stand up, and my legs are just wobbling like crazy, like almost cartoonishly, so like uh like knee knocking, and she immediately tells me to sit down and she's getting me a wheelchair. So they put me in a wheelchair and they take me to this little uh this small room to draw my blood, I guess. And I remember I was like kind of slowly getting cloudier and just kind of because everything's a big haze, and I was not in a I think I was a lot worse off than I even realized at the time. Uh, but I remember making a joke about there's too many people in this little room that look like a clown car. And uh they draw my blood, they take me to another room. A doctor comes and sees me with a chart of some sort, and uh he's very uh, and at this point, I'm sitting out in bed and I'm puking up stomach bile. Like that's all I have in me, but I can't stop doing that. So I'm kind of like, even though I'm a little bit removed from drinking, I'm like physically getting worse as time goes by. And a doctor just straights up. This is a little foggy, so I'm having a hard time retelling this. But the doctor comes in and he might have been because he's uh he might have been just trying to like scare me sober, but uh what he said was like, you are dying and you are killing yourself. And I remember being like, Well, what do these numbers mean? I point to the chart, and he's just like, Don't worry about that. It's like you're you're dying, like this has to stop. And um, and then I was so docile and sick at that point. Like they I just went with whatever they told me to do next, and uh they they took me to a detox unit, and so I show up at this detox unit and I'm left there, and uh, and it it looks like a little mini mental hospital. They have just only small windows that um like basement style windows, even though it's not underground, yeah, that are just and that's all they have for sunlight coming in. I'm sitting on I remember sitting on the end of a bed that's covered in plastic, and they have me on pills that make me sleep and sweat to sweat out all the toxins, and the whole place has this smell to it. And uh it's what it's called is they they call it the breath of death, honestly. Oh it's um because I I experience that smell on myself later on again and again. Uh, anytime I went on a bender, it's it's this uh it's a sign of like your liver severely being damaged, but it's like in your sweat, it's in your the taste of your mouth, it's on your breath, uh everything just and it's kind of the semi-sweet, musty smell, but it's very just I'll never forget it because when I had it sent subsequently, it just always reminded me of that detox unit. Okay. Um, but yeah, I'm just sitting on the end of this bed covered in plastic, and I just remember like I work for the public affairs office for like a major military installation, and I'm here with people who are pacing around the room scratching like at their skin, and like our coffee mugs are made out of rubber, so we can't break them and hurt ourselves. And I was just like, I don't belong here. That's what I kept thinking. I was like, I don't belong here, yeah. Um, but because I was on those pills that make you sleep, I time escaped me and it seemed like I was there a really long time, but I was only there for 48 hours. But I remember trying, like asking like to leave sooner, but they wouldn't let me.

SPEAKER_03: 29:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 29:50

And um eventually I was picked up by my uh work mom, Tracy, and uh taken home. But that wasn't the end of it. I just uh I think I quit drinking for maybe a couple weeks or something, and uh then I was back at it, and eventually can I stop you for a second?

SPEAKER_00: 30:12

Because you know, you're you're you're brought to rehab, and I guess like for me right now, I'm seeing you know, you're you're gonna share a little bit more about like it lasted a couple weeks. Like honestly, you were there for 48 hours. What what was that supposed to do for you? What what was their point of doing that? Like, was there any like mentoring, any anybody coming to Help you, or they just put you in a room for 48 hours and then they just time to go. Have a good rest of your life.

SPEAKER_01: 30:45

Um, yeah, I mean that's kind of how it was. It it wasn't um, yeah, it wasn't a rehab, it was just a detox unit. So it's just a place where people don't have access to alcohol or drugs. You just are there to be monitored. Um, make sure you don't, yeah, like you don't die. It's like, yeah, bottom of the barrel, just yeah, that's all it is, just a detox. What you have already consumed, get it out of your system, and then uh they release you. Okay, but there's no follow-up or anything like that once you get no, no, it's it's bizarre that I even kept my job at that point. We had a meeting, and I don't know if it was the company was so busy they didn't really understand how bad I was fully. Like maybe I again this is a little bit hazy, but I I continued to work for yeah, I continued to work for a while, but then eventually things got so bad in Colorado, and I just I wanted out and I knew I wasn't I wasn't getting by. Like I deep down, I just wanted to I was well, our house that I was staying at was gonna sell to, and I just couldn't commit to a new place. Honestly, the Air Force Academy there was interested in hiring me. Um, and I was a no because I was a drunk, I was a no-call, no show for the interview, but they wanted me so bad they forgave that very easily and asked rescheduled it and and still wanted me, and I was a no-call, no show again. I like was self-sabotaging, I think, at that point. I because I want, I think I just I did not want to be there anymore. Um, I just really at that time did not want to be in Colorado anymore. I just really hated my life, I wasn't making much money, and uh my Jeep commander broke down on the highway. So then I just with what money I had, I bought this really dilapidated Jeep compass. Okay. So I ended up kind of impulsively, probably while drinking. Uh, I just quit my job. The house was about ready to sell. I stuck around to kind of make it easier on because it was a large old house, but I rented it out with two other guys. And um I wanted to stick around and make sure I could help out with getting everything out, the house cleaned up, everything ready to go. So for the last few weeks, I was actually pretty sober because uh well, for all intents and purposes, I was sober. Uh, I was I just decided to do uh Instacart, which is grocery delivering, but it's kind of like Uber Eats or DoorDash, but for groceries.

SPEAKER_02: 33:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:15

And I did that for like the last three weeks. I was there in Colorado, in Colorado Springs, and it kept me from drinking because I did it for like 10 hours a day. Um, kept me busy, make a little bit of money, and um yeah, didn't drink except for like late at night, I'd have like one glass of whiskey and then go to bed and pick up the next day. Um so, but then I yeah, ended up driving back to with to Indiana and um was in Indian, I was in Indianapolis briefly, uh, where my sister lives, and I just kind of did some more Uber Eats, but I was trying to figure out what to do next. And I ended up coming across a job that was back in the Winona Lake area where I currently live. Yeah, great job, and I had a ton of connections, so I applied for it. I interviewed, I interviewed well, and I got the job, and it was great. It was honestly, it was the best job I've ever had, and it should have been a cakewalk. And I thought I would snap out of my alcoholism. Yeah, I I truly I thought I was like, oh, this is gonna be, I'm gonna be happy, this is gonna work. And I I I never thought about I'm gonna quit drinking. It was just like it's just not gonna be like it was, right? And little did I know, very quickly on, I was just right back to drinking hard every night.

SPEAKER_00: 34:36

Um and was there something that like triggered that? Like, do you remember at all?

SPEAKER_01: 34:43

I vaguely kind of remember being feeling a bit like a failure being back here in Winona Lake. Um, I never imagined coming back to Indiana. I always thought maybe I was gonna go from Colorado Springs to like Denver, and then from Denver to maybe like Los Angeles or San Diego. I just didn't think I would come back here. And I think that was some of it was in my head with that, and then some of it I just flat out wasn't quite thinking straight because I hadn't been off of alcohol. Yeah, that I think it just did at that point I was so damaged. Like uh, like my brain chemistry, hormones, everything was just all messed up because it it really does a number on you, and I can get into some of that later because I eventually developed uh peripheral neuropathy too and just other stuff. But yeah, I just wasn't quite thinking straight and um had no good judgments. And and I think the other factor, I think I got worked up in my head about this job is so great, and I felt like I I have to keep this, which is absurd because in so I was so like worked up and anxious and nervous about the job, but looking at it in hindsight, it should have been a cakewalk for me. If I wasn't this dysfunctional, horrific alcoholic, it would have been fine. But it should have been very easy for me. I was just hired as a copywriter. Oh wow job was just to write, um, with a little bit of like social media management, but uh yeah, um, should have been a cakewalk. But uh about two and a half months in, I got uh fired because I was got blackout drunk and didn't show up three days in a row. Okay. But that was how um I at that point, I uh I'm trying to do a little foreshadowing. Uh my now pastor, who I get together with frequently, he's awesome, he's so great. Uh his uh two of his daughters worked there.

SPEAKER_02: 36:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 36:41

So that was how I first got connected, but that kind of uh comes back again later. But yeah, I got fired from that job and I was devastated. And it's the way I would put it is I just um it's like every negative consequence I had just almost made me worse. Then I just had something else that was like another thing of like baggage I was carrying around and couldn't put behind me, and so I would just drink it away. It's the only way to like get my it doesn't make your brain shut off, but you're not aware of what you're thinking about near as much anymore. And so yeah, I but this was around the time um I the first time I've ever felt like God has spoken to me, it's the only time I could say he clearly has spoken to me was shortly after getting fired from that job. This is kind of where more of the story kicks in. Sorry for that long intro. It was a little bit meandering. It's good, it's but I'm sitting in my apartment. I just gotten fired from this great job.

SPEAKER_02: 37:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 37:42

Uh, great people. And I don't know how long after, it's like I think within a week after, I'm sitting at my apartment staring out the window, and it's a great location. I'm looking out over this canal that leads to a lake. And uh I just simply asked God, like, can I do this? That's all I asked. And immediately, through the noise of my mind, the phrase, yes, yes, you can clearly shot through my mind.

SPEAKER_02: 38:08

Wow.

SPEAKER_01: 38:08

And I wouldn't have thought a lot of it, except for at the same time as that thought shot through my mind, this warming sensation spread across my chest and a sense of peace washed over me. Wow, and it only lasted two or three seconds and then it was gone. But I just remember thinking that was bizarre. It was it was very strange, but I was ex but also very encouraged.

SPEAKER_00: 38:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 38:33

But in high but in hindsight, it is odd because I I continued to struggle with alcoholism for two years after that. I the I think one of the differences was at that point after that happened, I started to try to quit, but it was very, very pathetic. I was just in this cycle of about two to about four weeks of zero alcohol. And then I would nosedive into a bender for a week, week and a half, and and um, and that would always be followed with a week of insomnia.

SPEAKER_00: 39:07

Oh my gosh. So I was getting you went into it. Like, can I can I ask, like, you had this, you had this thought, like, okay, I'm I'm gonna try, like, I'm gonna really, I'm really gonna try. Like, I'm gonna try to stop. Like, what like what was your plan? You just would would just stop, and then like I'm I'm just kind of curious because I'm wondering if there's anybody who's listening in today that maybe either is walking through this themselves or has a family member or a friend um to just kind of help people understand like the depths of this.

SPEAKER_01: 39:41

Yeah, it's um well, that was the thing. I try to just do it all on my own. And when the store when I come to the end of my story, um I think one of my recommendations, don't do what I did. I I continue to just try to do it on my own. And all basically the only things I started doing was so I lost that job. So I started looking for a new job. And I remember ideally I really wanted something remote. Um I just I was very fixated on that. And I I had everyone told me my resume was fantastic and it's very eye-catching when you see it. And um, so I was very encouraged by that, thinking, okay, this shouldn't be too difficult. And so the only things I was doing is I started walking a lot and I hit the gym quite a bit. And even though, and I was overall, I guess you could say, drinking less because there would be a two to four weeks at a time, I would not be drinking. So there was a period where I started to look a lot healthier. Um, but ultimately, I mean, it was just it was completely not sustainable. Uh, because when I would the times I would drink, I was getting like worse and worse during those times. Um, and then eventually it didn't even matter with the few weeks in between of not drinking, my physical appearance just started to really deteriorate. But yeah, because I eventually got kicked out of the apartment. Um, because it was right above a business, and they're trying to run run a business. Oh wow. And they just have this drunk who lives upstairs. And uh and honestly, there was twice the cops were called, like for a like welfare check. I didn't get in trouble, but a police officer showed up just to see how I was doing because I guess I was being quite erratic and I don't remember anything. Um I know I like to keep my windows open, so who knows what I was yeah, yeah, going on about, but and I don't even think I want to know. Uh yeah, my behavior just got very erratic, and uh yeah, I was I was just like an I almost can't exaggerate how bad of an alcoholic I'd become. It's like you can even watch movies, and I if you can find I don't really like to watch them, they kind of make me uh I remember catching part of do you remember the movie Hoosiers, the basketball movie, Gene Hackman?

SPEAKER_00: 41:55

I've heard of it, but I don't I don't even know that I've seen it, to be honest.

SPEAKER_01: 41:59

Well, there's a character in there, um, and uh he's an alcoholic and he like falls off the wagon and he's like sobbing and apologizing. It just like it just gets to me a little bit. Uh um, yeah, it's hard to hard to watch, but I I was yeah, I was such a mess. I would get in these cycles where when I was on these benders, I would get exceedingly manic for a while, then it would fall into like irrational levels of anger, and then I would always end with I would break down and just like be sobbing for like a couple days.

SPEAKER_02: 42:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 42:30

And um, then I would just stop for a few weeks and try to pull myself together thinking I was gonna stop. And uh you know, three weeks later I'd be back at the bottle again. I and I was that way for two years after I got fired from that job. Wow, and then I got kicked out of the apartments. Um, this really kind couple. Actually, I might uh you might want to interview her, Rebecca, and her husband Jesse. She's really great. Um and she has her own um um like fitness and nutrition organization that she runs, but we can talk about that some other time. But she's uh they took me in.

SPEAKER_02: 43:05

Wow, and um did you know them well?

SPEAKER_01: 43:08

Just curious. Did you I used I used to work with her husband? Well, I used to work with both of them at a restaurant years and years prior. Uh he was the chef and she was the server, and I um and I was a host and also did some stuff with catering. Yeah, but they took me in and they were it was uh just for like a month, and then eventually I moved back to my hometown. But I was um when I was with them, I again was just trying there. Was one point they had to end up hiding any alcohol that was in their house. Yeah, because I I don't even know if they knew how bad. I mean, they knew I was really bad. I'm trying to remember what got Rebecca came over and got me one night and brought me to she and her husband's place. And again, this is all kind of blurry, but it was so I I can't believe some of the things people did for me when I look back on it, just to keep me afloat, like just not on the streets. I yeah, I didn't have people, I I should have been homeless. And I remember at one point even being when I was in Fort Wayne one time, I was at a hotel and I saw this girl come off the streets and she had a bunch of sores on her skin. Uh, I don't know what type of drug she was using, but she just came into the lobby just to sit for a while. And I remember looking at her, and I was just like, I am not too far from her.

SPEAKER_00: 44:26

Wow. So you you had like an awakening seeing this.

SPEAKER_01: 44:29

Hi, it didn't uh get me to stop. That's where it's like, I think this story is more about my testimony of like the reality of God, more so than like how do you how do you um go about like what coping mechanisms? What do you I don't really have a lot to say on that? And we'll we'll it'll unfold more and people will realize.

SPEAKER_03: 44:46

Yeah, don't do what I did.

SPEAKER_01: 44:48

Um, I was taken in for a while, and it was like a month, and that was wonderful of them to do. It's like it's insane that they did that in a positive way, insane that they did that. And I remember their their like eight-year-old boy one time, he like walked into a room when I was talking to Jesse and Rebecca, and I said he walks in and just says something like, It doesn't work anymore. And I looked at him and I was like, What do you mean? It's like I heard you say that. And I was he was referring to I was talking about alcohol, like doesn't have the positive effects it used to, like it used to really help me do things. And I was saying it made me better. I was still hung up on that, like stuck in the past, thinking this would somehow should still work. I was so insane, and I remember just being like, Oh, buddy, I'm so you weren't supposed to hear that. And um, he's like, Well, why do you why do you drink alcohol? And I just said, I don't know, I was like, I guess I'm not a very good person. And uh, and he said to me, He's like, I think you're a good person, Christian. So I have like this eight-year-old kid, like getting me all teary-eyed, like I am now. Yeah, um, and yeah, it just it kept going. That's why the story is kind of depressing because it goes on for a while. So I end up back in my hometown, and the only thing I was able to manage, I still occasionally wrote articles for magazines and uh just making a tiny bit of money. I was at my mom's place, and um that and then even that in itself, I was just like, how at my age, why am I at my mom's house? And and uh yeah, I was um I just got worse and worse. Like again, just like with negative consequences, it was just I got to a point where a part of me, I mean, I was drinking myself to death, but a part of me was intentionally a little bit at times. I was just I remember just wishing like, could I just pass away in my sleep, please? And um yeah, it was um it got really it just got so so bad. Um I mean, there was some of the stuff I started like my hair would start falling out in clumps. I had some toenails just flat out fall off. Uh I would constantly have this burning sensation on my tongue, which I looked up as a sign of severe liver damage. My tongue turned gray at one point and uh had this one indicator of severe liver damage is you get these indentations that just go around the edge of your tongue. The way I called as empanada tongue, it looks like pinched pie crust. Oh, it's like permanent, it just stays that way. Um and it's faded mostly now, but uh and my tongue's a normal color too, by the way. But uh yeah, no, there was other scary. I mean, I I um yeah, I'll spare some of the details, but I just I was just getting worse. And every time I would drink, go on a bender for a week, my physical health just was getting worse. Like I would accumulate like new symptoms of like liver damage, and um and I I just was such an incredible mess. It um there was even one night um I was actually on the phone with one of my uh with someone, I was on the phone with someone, and I had the sensation where I was like, oh, I think I think I broke something inside me. And for the next few days, and I'll I'll spare the details, but the best way I can describe it without having seen a doctor was it felt as though like some of my organs were starting like or on the verge of shutting down, like things were just not working right. Yeah, but luckily after a few days I kind of came out, not kind of, but I did come out of that. Yeah, um, I feel like I'm forgetting something, that's why I'm stalling a little bit. But to accelerate the story, um I eventually did land a job again. It took months and months and months, and um I landed a job back in Wynnola Lake. So at this time, I was at my mom's place in my hometown in Winnemac. I was staying there and uh just getting worse. I I was so bad that even this lady who worked the liquor store admitted to me one time when I was on one of the I would stop drinking for several weeks. I when I got back on it, I walked in and one day she looked at me and she was like, I actually checked the obituaries for your name because she hadn't seen me in a while. Oh my god. She still sold me liquor, uh, which I'm not. I mean, what else should you get? If she hadn't, I would have just gone to CVS or somewhere. I would have, I would have gotten it. Um I the way I described it to some people, they asked me, why do you keep going back to the liquor store? I was just like, I just the way I used it metaphorically, I was just like, I just almost like I'm possessed. I just go, I get the bottle, I get home, I immediately pour my drink drink that's probably like seven shots worth of liquor in it. And and I just go to town and just round my brain out and booze. And um, yeah, so the liquor store lady checked the obituaries for me or uh for my name.

SPEAKER_00: 50:33

Uh oh my gosh, that's you know you know that's when it's bad.

SPEAKER_01: 50:38

Oh yeah, and there was other people starting to make comments like that. There is and um yeah, I I eventually there was people that were have confessed that they were worried that I they were gonna get a phone call that I was found dead in my apartment. And um yeah, I just I don't think people knew what to do with me. I and really there wasn't anything you could do. Like, I I think so, I was just gonna you can't babysit me, and I'm gonna find a way to get my hands on tonight. I was so miserable, and I didn't really want to be around. I was I I got to why I said I have no idea if this is ever gonna get better. Life was ever gonna get better, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 51:20

And um so tell us about your turning point. There must have been, I know there's a turning point because you're sharing, you're here, you're still here with us.

SPEAKER_01: 51:30

Yeah. Um so well, before I get to that really quick, and I'll try to tell the story a little faster. But uh, I ended up having a seizure at one point.

SPEAKER_02: 51:41

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01: 51:42

I um this is so I landed a job, but before I moved to Winata Lake, I went on a walk trying to sober myself up uh for the weeks leading up to the job.

SPEAKER_02: 51:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 51:53

But uh while I was on that walk, this was January, there's snow on the ground, and um I I uh started to hallucinate and I just saw this like spinning orb of that was like rainbow colored just following me everywhere, and I felt very just disoriented and I was losing motor control on my legs. I knew, but I had a wherewithal, like something's wrong, I gotta get back home. So I started walking back in the direction to get home. Yeah, but I knew I wasn't gonna make it, so I stepped off the road that I was walking on and got into the snow, and I collapsed, I fell. And um, I remember as I was falling, vaguely seeing a car pull up. Apparently, it was someone who lived uh close to my mother's house, and she's a retired nurse and her husband, and they found me.

SPEAKER_00: 52:43

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01: 52:44

And they were just getting back from a like a Thursday evening Catholic service, and they almost didn't go. Oh but they haven't, she's a retired nurse and she knew what was going on. Like, uh, not like she, I don't think she had a clue I was an alcoholic until then, but she knew just from seeing me fall, and I was seizing and foaming at the mouth, apparently, that when I came to one of the first things she asked me is if I was an alcoholic. And I think I was just like, uh yeah, yeah. And uh an ambulance pulls up, but uh, I I was like in my mind, it's like I'm not paying for these medical bills, so I just waved it off.

SPEAKER_00: 53:19

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01: 53:20

I was kind of amazed. I don't know if this was I don't, yeah, ever I just they brought me home and I just ended up sleeping it off. And uh again, my foggy brain doesn't remember all the details, but at least I was back home and I was safe. And then I sobered up over the next few days and started going to this new job, moved into apartments in Warsaw, which is right next to Wine and a Lake, and started working on a new job. Um, but again, I was still a terrible, horrific alcoholic. Um I I should tell one more other story. This is more into like the supernatural elements.

SPEAKER_00: 53:59

Yeah, please do.

SPEAKER_01: 54:01

So before my seizure, um, six months prior in June of that, so the seizure was in January, but that prior June, I there was a day um where something happened. But in the weeks leading up to this happening, I was getting exceedingly negative, like so negative and angry that I at times I was like, what is like I felt gross, like something was wrong with me. And I just I don't know, I just I couldn't shake it though. I was just like perpetually just very negative, very angry. And um, I just got off of a bender or during those weeks, I think I was drinking um those negative weeks, and and I remember I was in my phase of insomnia. Anytime I quit drinking, I went through a week of insomnia. So I'm laying in bed awake. It's like two in the morning, and I can't do anything because I can't sleep. So I'm just watching stuff on YouTube. And at that point, I was actually really desperate. So I was watching a lot of Christian content, a lot of like uh anything that was like encouraging. And but while I was kind of propped up on my right side in bed, my head whipped to the right three times in a row violently, like where my chin is parallel with my shoulder. And it was so like abrupt, it was it hurt. And I was startled by it, but I was also so just exasperated, depressed. I just remember almost like shrugging it off, like, yeah, well, I guess I'm gonna have a seizure tonight. And I knew that was a possibility that alcoholics can induce a seizure, but at that point I hadn't had one yet, so I didn't know what what would uh what happens, but I just figured it was like some kind of convulsive nervous thing. A few hours later, I'm still awake, it's almost 6 a.m. I remember that because I remember looking at the clock. Also, the the sun was just about ready to rise. I'm laying in bed in a daze watching stuff, and all of a sudden, it feels like two massive hands shove me into the bed. One was on the side of my head, the left had left side of my head, and the other was on my hip, and it shoves me into the bed. Um, and it's real violent, it's dark, it has I feel this like evil presence to it. And when I'm shoved into the bed, and it physically feels like hands are on me, but I can't see anything, I I'm completely paralyzed, and I can't move anything, and my mouth is hanging open, but I can't even move my tongue. I don't know how long this lasted. Um, it felt like 10 seconds, but uh I can't move my tongue, so I can just make guttural noises, but eventually my tongue loosens and I immediately blurt out um, save me, Jesus, Jesus help me. And um so I say the name of Jesus twice, back to back, like within a second, and immediately I'm released and I hop out of bed, and I immediately when I hop out of bed, I just break down and start crying. But at the same time, I had this intuitive sense or this intuitive thought immediately that just said, this has to do with your alcoholism. And again, you'd think that'd get me to stop, and it did for about four weeks. Okay, but I was so freaked out, I was crying, and then I started pacing around praying, but then when the sun rose within minutes, I was like, I'm gonna go for a walk. So I went on a walk all for several hours. While I was on that walk, I recalled when I was in my last year of Colorado having this thought multiple times that and I dismissed it as being completely irrational. Because during throughout this process, I was getting so desperate, I started to return to my faith, but in this kind of just desperate, but I was still this severe alcoholic. But before I started doing that, like I had this thought in last year in Colorado, and it was simply I feel like something's trying to destroy me. Like, not just the alcoholism, but so many things around me was going wrong. Nothing was going right in my life. And I um I uh so in hindsight, after this thing that happened in June, where I was attacked by some uh dark entity, some demon, I I recalled having that thought in Colorado, and I was like, oh, maybe I was on to something. I this experience with being attacked, I also remembered there's somewhere in scripture about the uh the concept of giving the devil a foothold. Um and I just was like, I think this has gone beyond me. This is something like it's a it's a spiritual warfare thing at this point. Most definitely. And uh the the other way I've described it to people, um, it is similar to what I've read and heard about like uh sleep paralysis, except for I don't know all the details of that. I was awake and just and also those weeks leading up to are exceedingly negative, it's bizarre. And then just the physical attack was just um so I mean, I was physically paralyzed. Um and uh it wasn't I was awake for it, so I don't know else to and also just the way that saying Jesus' name released me, like so many people who speak of things. Um that was the only thing I knew how to do. I was just like, I'm just gonna say that, and it worked.

SPEAKER_00: 59:24

And then and I you hear so many people who have said, you know, Jesus, and they have been either released or there's healing, or you know, just his name, the power of his name, right?

SPEAKER_01: 59:35

Yeah, because that it was interesting because when I was telling you, I was starting to dive into Christian content. A lot of it was people confessing to miraculous stories. So I was hearing a lot of stories like that. And so I and and I also knew this from before because I was a biblical studies major, I guess. So I was I had this whole background before I fell away from the faith. Just yes, and if the long story short on that, why did I fall away? Um, I the parable of the sowing of the seeds, it was like the worries of this world combined with I don't know, maybe some sort of the shallow, hard uh soil that I was at the time. Um is is the best way I would just describe, and the simplest way I'd describe it is just to use that parable. Like things are just cropping up in my life and I just drifted away. Um but uh yeah, so I that happened. So I backtracked to tell that story. So I have this new to fast forward back to January shortly after my seizure. I have this job and I eventually quit it before I can get fired because there are Onto me that something was wrong with me because I continued to be a drunk again, again. But at this point, I got connected with um my current pastor, uh, who I now uh he's awesome, he's great, he's like a brother to me. His name's Brian, and I got connected to him through his daughters, and he eventually decided one of them said he should get a hold of me, and he didn't and he um he didn't right away, but within a few days he did. But he said the reason why he did is like his oldest daughter recommended that he should get a hold of me, but he said within a couple days the Lord told him that you gotta get a hold of this guy.

SPEAKER_02: 1:01:16

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01: 1:01:17

So we started meeting on a weekly basis, and um he stuck by my side. I mean, through the process of all this, I was such a mess. And but he um I mean, I was so bad at times. There was a couple times he'd come over to my apartment just to dump out booze and sit with me while I'm this emotional physical wreck. Wow, and he was so kind about it. He would show up and he would look at me, he's like, All right, I'm gonna dump this out now. And and I was just, you know, I was of course he was going to, but he he he wasn't just yeah, there was no anger, nothing. And he would just sit with me. I mean, uh, even one of those nights, he came over and it turned out he left uh a birthday celebration for his son-in-law and uh to spend a couple hours in me, and uh, which is I have you know, that's uh embarrassing and but the heart of somebody to like you know that he is truly following the Lord when he's doing that, right?

SPEAKER_00: 1:02:20

There's so much grace on that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:23

Yeah, I um I don't know. I don't know why he was I I well, I mean, if I would ask him, he's just like the Lord told me to get a hold of you, and he just stuck with me through it.

SPEAKER_00: 1:02:34

And um wow, what an incredible pastor.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:38

I mean, seriously. Yeah, and during that, towards the end, before I finally stopped drinking, um one of the other little stories that I have in the midst of all this is his um I was on one of my vendors, one of the last ones I went on, and uh uh his uh oldest daughter uh sent me a text one morning, and the text message said, I don't know what was going on last night, but throughout the night I just kept periodically waking up. And every time I woke up, I thought of you, and then I uh and I prayed for you. But it just throughout the night she kept waking up, thinking of me, praying for me. And that was uh interesting in itself, but what made it much more bizarre was is then so I get that text message in the morning, and then in the evening, uh her father and I, Brian and I get together, and the first thing he says to me is, I don't know what's going on last night, but I just kept waking up throughout the night. And every time I woke up, I thought of you and prayed for you. And I was just like, Do you know that your your oldest daughter just uh said the same thing to me this morning in a text? Like, no, he hadn't know, and at this time, like yeah, he just didn't he didn't know, but he ended up you know talking to her about it afterwards. But the two of them doing the same thing throughout the night the same night, yes. Um, I thought that was just like beyond, you know, well beyond coincidence.

SPEAKER_00: 1:03:56

Um this has gotta be God, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:04:00

And um so again, like I don't have advice for people to uh to stop, but just or how to stop or how to deal with alcoholism. I I was just drinking, I was I took myself to the to the limit, and then all of a sudden I it just went away. I went on this, like I was pretty much blackout drunk throughout all of April, horrible shape, and then I just um yeah, I just uh then for whatever reason at the end of April I was like, oh, this is done. I I don't know, I didn't even have that thought initially, but I recognized pretty quickly, I was like, something feels a little different. And but I was just like, we'll see how this goes. But after about six weeks, I was kind of like, I think maybe this is done.

SPEAKER_00: 1:04:47

Wow, and then April of 2023.

SPEAKER_01: 1:04:51

Uh no, this is this is this year.

SPEAKER_00: 1:04:53

This is this year, okay.

SPEAKER_01: 1:04:54

Yeah, sorry. Hopefully, this doesn't uh rule me out on the podcast, but no, I'm now I'm now I'm like end of this month, so like tomorrow I'm six months sober.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:06

Oh my gosh, congratulations. I mean, it's so beyond, and absolutely not, it doesn't really out like I'm a ragamuffin here. I mean, like we all come from different places, and I I feel like that's part of why you know having you on today. Um, I I don't know why I was getting my timeline off because I feel like when we talked before that it I knew I knew when you told me last time, you know what I'm saying. Um, but yeah, I mean, just the fact that I you know, you had two people that were interceding for you. And I truly believe one thing that you had said earlier is you can't do this on your own.

SPEAKER_04: 1:05:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:46

You you literally can't do this on your own. So when you allowed you, you allowed somebody to come into your space and see you in your brokenness, wouldn't you say that that was a huge catalyst for you getting breakthrough?

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:00

I mean, I I the way yes. I I mean, I honestly, I yeah, I wouldn't be here without my pastor. I he really just became the only person that I was like willing to even really be around when I was such a wreck. I I I I can tell people what not to do, and one of them is like if you're dealing with an addiction issue, um it's like isolation is the thing that a lot of people tend to do, and I did to the extreme. And uh yeah, don't do that. It's uh it's so it's but yeah, I was not letting anyone in at that point really. I I just yeah, I was increasingly becoming more of a hermit, just like slowly just yeah, drinking myself to death and isolating myself, and um, but yeah, he stuck by my side, and um yeah, and also changed since then, like these last six months.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:57

You've you've been obviously you're a completely new creation, right? Second Corinthians 5 17, you know, talks about that. Where like you literally are a new creation. So, what has that been like in this new life?

SPEAKER_01: 1:07:12

Well, I mean, at this point, it's a bit of a like slow process of just trying to figure out what steps to take ahead. Um I so the yeah, the alcoholism, that's why it's like it's hard for me to give any advice because and I know other people have experienced this, but I'm not I'm not battling it. Like it's just it just went away. Like I don't feel any desire to drink. It's not, it's almost like a non-issue, is the way I would describe it, which is that's miraculous and that's great. However, I also destroyed my life around me, and so I'm trying to put my life back together. It's I it's absolutely I'm so grateful and it's amazing that alcohol is not an issue because now I can focus on other things. Yes, but I'm not trying to put my life together while at the same time, you know, babysitting myself and people have to tiptoe around me, and I have to avoid situations or something. I don't really, I just don't, it's just it's literally just kind of gone away. And um, and that is what I mean. My pastor has said that's what he was praying for me, other people were praying for me, that it would just go away. And yes, something else that occurred shortly after I stopped. Again, I try to avoid saying I quit because I don't feel like I really had any volition in it. It just it just went away. Um, I went to a prayer meeting at our church, our little country church. It's called Athens Community Church, it's just outside of Rochester, Indiana. So I drive about 35 minutes to get there on Sundays. But I went to a prayer meeting on a Wednesday night and I was only a few weeks, two, three weeks removed from not drinking. And after it was over, this um little little lady named Danita walks up to me, and I didn't really know her at all. I just knew who she was, and we'd say hi, maybe. Yeah, but uh she walks up to me and she says, I almost didn't approach you, but I feel the Lord telling me to speak with you. And I think I normally would have gotten kind of uptight and been like, oh boy, what's what's coming? But I remember just feeling very peaceful and just like just open to it. So I asked her, Well, what do you what does the Lord want to say to me? And uh she starts off with something just very general. She just says, I get the impression you've been struggling, really struggling lately. And but then she says, and I feel compelled to tell you about my brother. And I she goes on and tells me about her brother, who was this exceedingly successful salesman, and but he eventually destroyed his life and and lost everything to alcoholism. And when she gets done telling me this, I'm stunned by it. And I just said, Yeah, that's exactly what I've been going through for the last three to four years. And I kind of questioned her a little. It's like, I think a couple people in the church, or not a think, but a couple people in the church know about this. Maybe someone has said something. She said, No one's told me anything.

unknown: 1:10:13

Wow.

SPEAKER_01: 1:10:14

Then I asked my pastor about her, and he's like, Yeah, um, she occasionally will get like a word from the Lord or a message from the Lord or something, an impression. And um, whenever she does, she's always on the money, is what he said. She's done that to me a couple times. Um, and and I even asked him a couple or sorry, I asked a couple of his daughters about her as well. And they're just like, Oh, yeah, she's really great. We love her. And she's just this humble little old lady, plays piano, and uh yeah, nothing, nothing at all bizarre whatsoever about her. And even I like the way she even approached it. She was like, I almost didn't approach you. And when she said that, I actually remember noticing her looking over at me before she walked up to me, like almost hesitantly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:10:58

So and that's you know, there's just even for those of you out there who are listening who might have like an impression or a word for somebody, if you really are getting that, you know, impression to step forward and and take a risk or take a courageous step, like if it's encouraging, wouldn't you say like go for it?

SPEAKER_01: 1:11:18

Yeah, I would say, I would say certainly go for it. Um yeah, it's uh you never know. I mean, I've tried to follow through, well, for an example, for something I did myself, but it was this was this was actually a long time ago, long before I was ever an alcoholic, like 15 years ago. Um, I there was someone that went to Grace College, but she left after her freshman or sophomore year. And I found out she was going through a difficult time. And the only specific I know was still a generalization. I just knew she was going through a hard time financially. Um I just felt compelled to send her some money. So I got her address from a mutual friend of ours. Um, and not knowing what was going on in her life really, I just sent her cash, not even a check. I sent cash in the mail to her because I didn't want her to throw away or rip up a check.

SPEAKER_03: 1:12:16

No.

SPEAKER_01: 1:12:16

So I sent her cash and I don't remember what the amount was, but I know it was a little off-kilter. Like it wasn't just like$200. It was like$235 or something.

SPEAKER_03: 1:12:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 1:12:26

And a week later, I get a message, a private message on Facebook, and she says to me, Christian, you have no idea how much this money means to me. It's so incredible. You sent this to me. Uh, so much has been going on, but I'm not ready to tell you what's been going on in my life. And that was it. And I didn't hear anything for several months. And about 10 months later, a mutual friend who was much closer with her told me what was going on. And she had gotten so hard up for money that uh she had once uh prostituted herself to make rent. And I guess I don't know how it all went down, but she had agreed to do it a second time. I don't know if it was the same guy, a different guy, but apparently she had agreed to it. But it was like maybe a set time and date, maybe it was set up as a date. I I don't I don't really know. Um, but before she went through with it, she received the money from me and it was the exact amount she negotiated for.

SPEAKER_00: 1:13:21

Oh my goodness. Yeah, see, you gotta, we gotta, we gotta take these steps, everybody. Right? Yeah, I'm sure that that like was just mind-blowing to her and probably stopped her in her tracks from doing something that could have been, you know, right?

SPEAKER_01: 1:13:37

Yeah, that was uh what our mutual friend sent me in this. I wish I still had it. She sent me this lengthy email telling me what was going on, but it was on an old email account, and I don't have access to it. It was my old Yahoo account, so I don't have it. But I remember her saying that, you know, doing something once is is, I don't wonder what the exact phrasing, but it could have just been an impulsive type of thing to do out of desperation. But doing something a second time can start a set uh pattern behavior. And she's like, I think the money you sent prevented a pattern of behavior starting. And um I don't know if the story means as much to some people in this day and age of like OnlyFans and whatnot, but you got to keep in mind this is someone who's really struggling doing something against what they would want to do with them, selling their body when they don't want to. It's out of desperation, exactly.

SPEAKER_00: 1:14:27

Yeah, and yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:14:29

So goodness.

SPEAKER_00: 1:14:31

I mean, your testimony is you truly have walked through so much, and you're still here. God has such a continual story for you just even to come. Um, I can't wait to hear more about it. I will wrap up for today. Um, you know, as I mentioned before, you know, just the one person who's listening in today. Is there any other like words of wisdom, or maybe do you have a word for somebody today to encourage them on their journey? And then um, would you pray us out today?

SPEAKER_01: 1:15:09

Yeah, I um been thinking back on like the big thing that my pastor Brian kept just telling me is to just keep seeking God. That he's just done that his whole life, and things will come your way. Your uh problems can be solved in very miraculous ways. He's experienced things himself. Um, some really encouraging stories. But yeah, I was I do believe um, because there's even stuff I left out of the story, but I I do believe God has kept me alive. I um he's sustained even the way I got back from Colorado is is crazy. I there's one that I have a story about getting a flat tire. I wasn't on my way yet, this this story specifically, but the only person I was able to find, it was like a mecca of like his garage open of just tools everywhere, and he was from Indiana originally, and uh actually not far from where I live. And it was that was insane and crazy. And I I think just you just gotta keep seeking God and um and crying out to him. I think um it may he's on, I mean, his ways are higher than our ways, he doesn't always work on the same time schedule. Well, most of the time it doesn't seem like he does, but he will show up. I think he those who really truly want him, I I think he shows up and he becomes very real. And um, yeah, I think if you and then beyond that is like to live a life of obedience. That is something I'm working on more and more, is just trying to align myself with God and his character, and uh yeah, and also uh obedience beyond just how you conduct yourself and live your life, but also yeah, keeping your ear open for possible words from the Lord. You I'm trying to learn that. I mean, uh, we've talked about before we did this call um about Jamie Winship and he interviewed his wife and in their their book, Living Fearless. Um, yeah, I'm trying to keep uh there's been a few times I've had some very subtle stuff. Like I think maybe possibly the Lord has told me to read the book of Jeremiah. And um and uh yeah, it's I I don't know. Yeah, I um um yeah, I can pray us out. Uh but I do I yeah, I'm sorry if I was I rambled too long on certain things.

SPEAKER_00: 1:17:36

This is you've you've been great. This is so wonderful. Like you're you're sharing your story for the first time. So I just commend you for doing that, honestly. I know it's gonna have an impact with so many, um, maybe others who haven't even shared their story yet. Um, because it's not easy, right? But no, I calls us to it.

SPEAKER_01: 1:18:00

Yeah, it's it's been very encouraging telling people my story, but it's it is yeah, there's a part of me that still um is I just don't know what people are gonna think because uh I even still there's this part of me that feels weird about the whole uh spiritual warfare aspect of it.

SPEAKER_00: 1:18:18

Yeah, it's a real thing, it's real.

SPEAKER_01: 1:18:20

But I had never experienced anything like that, and I'm someone I've I never in my life would have ever wanted that. Yeah, but it happened, and uh yeah, the name of Jesus is what released me. And yeah, I can I can praise out. Um thank you. Yeah, um, Lord Heavenly Father, um, I just pray in the name of Jesus that um any listeners who are listening would uh be encouraged in their faith and seek you, seek you, your kingdom and its righteousness first and foremost in their lives. Um I pray that my story, um, as poorly as I may have told it, uh I hope it will reach people and they will um gain encouragement and seek you and also seek other people who reflect you, who um, who follow you. And just like my pastor came into my life, and I am so incredibly grateful. I never even knew he existed before I went out to Colorado, and then I came back and here he was. And um yeah, I'm just so grateful for how we've connected, and I just pray, Lord, that people would seek you and seek others who follow you. And um, and if they are struggling with some addiction or maybe tremendous depression or something along those lines, they would not isolate themselves, that they would again um get good people in their lives. And I pray that you would send good people into their lives. Um and I just uh I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_00: 1:20:04

Amen. Amen. Well, Christian, thank you so much. Um, your prayer is beautiful. And what would be the best way for people to get a hold of you if they wanted to reach out?

SPEAKER_01: 1:20:17

Yeah, um probably I would just I would suggest just go to my Instagram for now. Uh I don't really do much with it right now. It's it's active in the sense like if there was a message, I would see it and get to it. But I might do some stuff with it in the future. I don't know. And then if it if it was someone who really wanted to correspond with me, I can give them my email address. Um, but yeah, put on my Instagram, which is which is just my name. It's just Christian DePew with no spaces or anything. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:20:49

Well, I'll link up your email in the show notes and then also um also a link to your Instagram if that works for you. Yeah, it works. Um just want to say thank you for being a brave voice who's setting others free. I am gonna close with the Hope Unlocked anchoring verse, which is may the God of hope flee with all joy and peace and believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. And that's Romans 15, 13. So thank you again, Christian. This has been incredible. I cannot wait to hear more about the rest of your story. You're amazing. Have a great day, everybody. I'll be back next week.